Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize