im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
