im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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