I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
