Best friends brother. Beat that.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
