id be glad to
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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