I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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