Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
