He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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