i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
