i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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