and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
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I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
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I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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