Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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