Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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