that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
