ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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