I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
