Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
