there's paper in my vomit.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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