Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
