All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
