I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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