My first STD was from a foam party
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
What a dumb baby whore.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
