dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
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