1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
