I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
