she told me i tasted like america
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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