I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
