You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
