Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
