I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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