When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Randomize
