My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
bring money and cleavage
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
i out mim tonsoeep
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