Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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