Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Randomize
