Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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