I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
