Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
