Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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