"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
