i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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