shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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