We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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