I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
