I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
