I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
