Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
His nipple licking is glorious
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