No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i already hear my dad disowning me
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
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