I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
