omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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