I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
