I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
