what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
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If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
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Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible