He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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