I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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