Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
