My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
