Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
