I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize