I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
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Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
FUCK WHALES
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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